Submitted by gully on April 21, 2009
My name is Paul and I’m a alcoholic/addict. I’m sober now 4 1/2 years.
Like a lot of us I felt like I was missing something out of life at a young age. I had a kind of hectic upbringing and chose to use drugs and drink to help me feel all right with myself. Inside I felt scared, alone, different and worthless. Alcohol and drugs helped a little bit with these feelings but most importantly at the time they gave me a sense of purpose in life. Deep down inside I think I felt like I “accomplished something”.
So amongst the struggles of a child growing up I found Pot at about the age of 15. I enjoyed it and the thought “that I was getting away with something”. I started smoking it on my way to school and on my way home from school. I would smoke the rest of the day to if it was available. My circle of friends were limited to the ones with the same behavior. I started drinking at the age of 17 and the same result was if I had access I would drink. My grades were not great to begin with so when I started drugs and drinking they really dropped. I only seem to have an interest in getting high or drunk. That seemed like the only thing that interested me, everything else in life seemed boring and useless.
I was placed in outpatient drug and alcohol counseling at the age of 17. I couldn’t see I had a problem because using was the only thing that seemed to make me happy, so I wasn’t willing to admit I was powerless over it. They took us to some AA meetings and I just remember sitting in the back of the room daydreaming. After a few months of that they decided the best help for me would be to place me in a 30 day rehab. At this time in my life I still couldn’t see that it was the using that was causing all my problems, I thought it was my dysfunctional family and everyone is blaming me and picking on me. I refused to join the groups at the rehab by staying in my room, so they discharged me.
For the next 18 years I partied hard. Alcohol, pot, coke, crack, heroin and oxys. I went to six detoxs/rehabs and always checked myself out early. I was “Baker acted” four times, arrested for drunk and disorderly a few times and got a possession of crack cocaine felony charge that I was convicted for and did 4 months in jail. I was arrested for heroin possession but it got dropped.
At times of severe drug use and depression I started cutting my arms and legs with razors. Still I didn’t think I had a drug and alcohol problem. I blamed everyone else in my life for ruining my life.
The last year of my using was the breaking point for me. I had a 175 mg of methadone a day habit. I hated life more then ever. When I woke up it was constant depression. Drugs and alcohol did not make me feel good anymore… they stopped working. I was in a constant state of frustration, depression and hopelessness. I finally had my “moment of clarity” and saw that “I” was the problem. Everyone in my life had abandoned me at this time and I was sitting all alone still blaming them… and they were not even there anymore.
“I was going to kill myself” was the only thing I could think of to make this nightmare of my life end. Then I started thinking maybe if I try and get some help this time, and really try try hard at recovery I might feel better? So I checked myself into detox and was released 4 days latter. I was still terrified and shaky so I went back to see my doctor and she said “Paul we can’t help you anymore, you have been in and out of here for years! We can’t do anything to help you anymore”. Then she told me the only people that could help me were Alcoholics Anonymous and I needed to go there, raise my hand and ask them for help…
I was terrified and I didn’t think they could do anything for me. With nowhere else to go, I went to a meeting, raised my hand and asked for help, as my doctor requested.
My life changed that day for the better. I got a sponsor. I started working the steps. I spent a lot of time my first year crying because I knew the nightmare was over. For once I was finally on to something I never experienced before in my life… a higher power entered into my life that solved the Drink/Drug problem along with all the other emotional and mental problems I seemed to have had.
Thank You God!
Thank You AA!
