Submitted by dbeede on August 27, 2010
I got introduced to this program in jail while serving a 1 year sentence in 2003 (which COULD have been a 10 year bid in prison). I was at the end of the road, but still not thoroughly convinced I had to quit using. I was looking for a way to avoid prison, and I found it. The judge sentenced me to AA as part of my probation; when I found that insufficient, I asked my Probation officer about attending NA instead.
Being a common street junkie with no ties to anyone or anything substantial, and since I’d never learned common living skills like communication, my journey’s been difficult, but that difficulty’s been of my own making. At first, I didn’t want to change people, places and things, which led me out the door in 3 months. Then I DID change those things, but didn’t work a program, just went to meetings; of course, I went back out.
After finally finding a sponsor who was compatible, I began working some steps. I began following suggestions; I went to meetings every day, got phone numbers, bought ALL the books and got a home group. Things started improving. I got a job with someone in recovery who had double digit years and his own business. I lived with a recovering addict with double digit clean time. Things were looking up except for one “minor” problem.
By now, the more experienced members are picking apart this story because there are holes in it without a doubt. The things I was doing were commendable, but it was the things I WASN’T doing that led me back out with 3 years clean.
I was going to meetings; hell, I was even sharing, but I was NOT sharing HONESTLY about where I was at and what was going on with me. I worked steps, but only half-assed and not to the best of my ability. I had ALL the books, but hardly ever picked ‘em up. I had enough phone numbers to make my own phone book, but dialed ‘em so seldom, you might as well say I NEVER used ‘em. I did NO service work in any capacity. I went to events, but never talked to people, I’d bring my radio and my own tunes and sit off by myself. I ate and ran for all intensive purposes.
I was actually starting to enjoy some of the fruits of recovery when I got blind-sided by my own ignorance (”The disease”,if that’s what you prefer). I met an attractive young lady in my age range who showed interest in me. I was 100% antisocial on the streets, so a woman wasn’t part of my past; I didn’t see that as a possibility.
By now,you can see where this is going. I stopped going to meetings, stopped connecting with the few friends I DID call, etc, etc… and went back out over a perceived relationship and a resentment with an addict in “recovery” who screwed me on a job. I went so far as to move out of state with these people.
Through my higher power’s grace (whatever you choose to call it, I don’t label it, I just know IT IS), and with some help from addicts back home, I made it back after a month. During that month, I watched these folks drink and argue every day, but I refrained. I called my sponsor (who stuck by me despite my foolish decision) and a couple other recovering addicts.
Once I got home, I started hitting meetings again (there was NONE available where I was unless you had wheels). After a month, I moved in with my sponsor and his family temporarily.
I went to meetings every day, started sharing as honestly as I could and even did something I’d never done before; I started LIVING the steps. Writing on the 12 steps is only part of the process; learning how to apply them is another important aspect. I actually started USING my sponsor and support group(as well as other recovering addicts I only saw on occasion). I started getting serious about making changes; not because I WANTED to, but because I didn’t care for the alternatives.
One of those 3 members who kept me clean when I was out of state passed away 5 months after I got back. I’d been through death many times in my addiction and dealt with it in various ways, but this time I dealt with it and remained clean. I could see the changes taking place slowly.
Today, I use all my resources. I go to that one extra meeting talk that one extra minute on the phone, do service in my home group as well as stay connected to other recovering addicts online, etc.
As long as I remain vigilant and work my program to the best of my ability, things get a little better every day. And as long as I continue in this manner (and with the grace of my higher power), I’ll be celebrating 2 years again next month :)