Submitted by BenBen The Fisherman on February 24, 2012

Submitted by Tami on February 24, 2012

I am in a transformation/metamorphosis right now. I can feel it happening under the surface, but I cannot quite put my finger on it, nor can I understand it mentally. What is happening must be the work of my Higher Power, and the only explanation I have is that my discomfort spells out change on the horizon.

I have been doing a lot of contemplative thinking lately involving where I have been, how far I have come in recovery, and where I hope to be. A little backstory: six months after I left my alcoholic marriage of ten years, I met and fell in love with a man who is not an alcoholic or addict but was very much unavailable to me. A traumatic event took both of us to our knees, and we spent the next two years trying to recover emotionally and mentally, but in the end, our relationship failed, and we parted ways a few months ago. The grief I have experienced over the last two years has, at times, been incapacitating and so overwhelming, I feared I would die from it. Thankfully, I had a strong foundation built in Al-Anon and with my Higher Power, so I had hope of survival but no hope for a happy future again.

I had clung so tightly to my resolve that we were going to make it through, I was stripped bare when the relationship ended. I prayed to my Higher Power to give me strength each day to see that though I was wounded, I was not destroyed. I began “acting as if” each day- putting one foot in front of the other- forcing myself to keep moving forward, keep going to meetings, keep trusting the process, and I had hope that eventually, my actions would begin to feel real to me.

After my homegroup meeting Monday evening, I felt a new understanding of what is happening to me, now. It’s change. I just finished steps 4 and 5, and I am now beginning step 6, “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” One of the Al-Anon books has a sharing in which the author describes her defects of character as old survival skills that no longer serve their purpose. That really spoke to me in a positive way, because part of my insanity involves submerging myself in old patterns expecting outcomes to be different. When I was able to look at my defects of character as old survival skills, it made sense to me that my discomfort in letting them go involves feeling vulnerable and exposed during the process.

I wear a necklace every day given to my by my oldest sister. It’s a butterfly, and on the back, it has the following inscription: “Just when the caterpillar felt her life was over, she turned into a butterfly.” I use this imagery as my metamorphosis into the next phase of my life and recovery. I hold out hope for a future where I can be happy, joyous, and free. I know my Higher Power is strong, patient, kind, and loving, and I know that as my layers of old behavior/thinking begin to shed, new, healthy, harmonious layers will be waiting. I know it; I trust it, even if today, I do not feel it.

I find such comfort in the Al-Anon program. And just for today, where there is confusion, I trust God. Where there is fear, I seek God. Where there is hurt, I feel God. And I know that if I do not receive answers to questions today, there is hope for an answer in tomorrow.

Submitted by Sara on February 24, 2012

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes”.

Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (page 449)

Lately I have become frustrated with life and uncomfortable in my own skin. After 19 months of clean and sober, I still have a couple of ungrateful clients who cannot pay their taxes, let alone pay me. I am still living with a partner who drinks every day and accuses me of being lazy and useless and the fact that I am the cause of escalating household bills and his daily pub visits. Sometimes I feel I should change my resume to EMPLOY ME – I am honest and hardworking and really good at what I do. I want to shout from the hill tops LOVE ME – I really am a good person trying to find my place in this lousy world.

Then I say the serenity prayer and remind myself that I have to accept the people and things I cannot change, find the courage to accept the person I can change and have the wisdom to know that that is ME. Then I remember all the good that comes with negative situations. I have a roof over my head and a computer to work. I have a family that supports me. I have two wonderful kids who love me despite the fact that I was a lousy mother at times in my alcoholic induced days. I still have my mother who bails me out in the worst economic situations when I should be looking after her. My dad, may he rest in peace, would be proud of me for my new found sobriety. I have my writing which I am starting to pursue as a career on line. These things make me truly grateful and remind me there are people far worse off in their lives than me.

Perhaps I am trying to run before I can crawl. After all I am only one drink away from losing everything. I am still an alcoholic and always will be. I have to remind myself to live one day at a time and do and be the best I can just for 24 hours each day. I will not regret the past for that has bought me to where I am today. With all my flaws and character defects, I have a program that gives me the tools to live and grow spiritually. Maybe the purpose of my life now is to reach out and be a candle to those in the darkness of addiction. What I have received so freely from others in recovery, I have to give away. The more I give of myself, the more the universe will give back to me. So today I start loving and forgiving myself in order to show others compassion, kindness and acceptance of who they really are.

Whatever is going on in my life right now may not seem perfect but it is just the way it is meant to be. Acceptance is the key to my happiness and serenity. And most of all, I am not alone.

Hi Everybody,

We made some changes recently, and we wanted to explain to you a bit about the new features we added, where they are, and why we made the design decisions that we did.

The visual change was done because we needed to reduce visual noise so members could focus on their friends and content more. There was too much going on, we had to simplify the layout in order to fix that problem. A lot of people intuitively didn’t know how to use the site and we made a lot of changes to fix that.

We believe that the InTheRooms experience is enhanced by this change and we hope that you like it and continue to enjoy InTheRooms as a part of your recovery.

1) Status Feed Filters: To the left, you’ll see a list of types of content on InTheRooms. Click them to get the latest in recovery updates!

2) Feed Refresh Button: You can now refresh just the status feed without refreshing the entire page. We are soon adding an indicator to let you know when there are new posts so you can refresh and stay on top of the conversation!

3) Photos in the status feed: The photos are now much larger and can be browsed right from the home page.

4) Instant Messaging: The new IM has a few new features, on the IM bar to the bottom of the screen is a “Gear” icon for settings, you can now set your status to “Away” or “Invisible” if you want.

• Games: When chatting with someone, invite them to play a game by clicking the “Games” icon in the chat box.
• Video Chat: Start a video chat with someone by clicking the “Video Chat” icon in the chat box.

5) Translator: On the chat bar on the bottom left of your screen, there is an icon that you can click that translates the site into whatever language you’d like.

6) Favorite Friends: In the top menu, the “My Friends” link presents a dropdown of people who are your “Favorites.” These are people you want to be able to easily access or bookmark for later. No one knows that they are in your favorites list other than you. You can add and remove them from “Favorites” on their profile page without them knowing about it.

7) Discussions in the Status Feed: The discussions are now being posted in the status feed in between regular status updates and also filtered by a link on the left side of the page, rather than being in a box on the right side, this was done to unify discussions and get more participation from members who mainly focus on the feed.

8) Birthdays & Anniversaries: The top right now has today’s recovery anniversaries and friends’ birthdays for the day. Go ahead and congratulate your friends! We did this because we know how important it is to celebrate our recovery with each other.

9) Daily Deal: InTheRooms has partnered with netDealio to bring you National deals meant to help save you money during these economic times. Please take a look over there and if you’re interested, support InTheRooms by supporting our partner.

10) ITR Book of the Month: This isn’t a new feature, but its new that we’re highlighting it on the home page. Each month we choose a book to highlight written by one of our members.

11) ITR News: Each week we write articles and email them to our members, now we have them available all week long on our Home Page.

Thanks and with love,
The InTheRooms Team

Submitted by BenBen The Fisherman on February 17, 2012

Submitted by SassySoberGirl on February 17, 2012

I heard once at a meeting. “I have eighteen inches from my heart to my head and right now it’s clogged with bullshit.” That was in the mid 90′s and I’ve never forgotten it. Clogged with fear, desperation, self pity, anger, selfishness, and on and on and … on. (emphasis placed here if you didn’t catch it. the written word can be so tricky… eye roll) The level of the proverbial clog varies and is contingent on my spiritual condition. Draino works for clogs but might be toxic, so I’ll have to settle for the kind of clean that only comes from doing the recovery show.

I wrote it all out. The whole sordid “affair”. Yes I meant exactly what I wrote here. Also known as a fourth step and/or tenth step. Yep. This stuff works yo. Sooooo… I made some poor decisions. I am not an idiot. Well… at least not in this instance in many others I’m sure I qualify. It is extraordinarily hard to stick; think Mary Lou Retton and the 1984 vault landing. Stand until you can’t, legs quivering, arms in the air, million dollar smile gleaming; don’t move an inch dammit. STICK even if the times get tough, EVEN if the times get TOUGH. Tall and proud and all about it, even if your triple flip only went twice. Even if your run wasn’t what you wanted … STICK the ending. I did that. Proud of me. Nothin’ but net for the ninja.

Other issues clogging the drainpipe… kids, work, money, court, ex-jackass-husbands, sex or lack thereof, etc etc etc … blah blah BLAH. So what. Every condition is temporary really. Think back to what you were worried about a year ago, month ago, hell even yesterday. How important is it to your life today really??? I mean REALLY really. Pain as motivator, as measuring stick for growth. THAT is what matters.

So … I write, I talk, I cry, I throw pencil sharpeners that are clogged with eyeliner, I stay up late and eat ice cream. I do step work and talk to the one who gets me. It is enough. I am growth. Who says sad is bad? I read somewhere once (in a big blue book… go figure) that before working the steps “we cannot differentiate the true from the false.” Today I am able to tell the HUGE difference betwixt the two. True feelings are to be honored and cherished and felt. False evidence appearing real is a bitch that deserves to be kicked out the door.

Used a drain cleaner called truth. Clean as a whistle baby. Thanks Roto-Rooter … you know who you are.

Submitted by CaimanHunter on February 17, 2012

I was sitting around the house the other day watching a television program where two boys got into a fight and afterward they became friends. Later on in the story they had grown up and their children got into a fight. But this time some good-for-nuthin, should-mind-your-damn-business, go-back-to-your-music-lessons, asshat called the cops. This time, the boys got in trouble, the fathers had to straighten things out, the cops started scrutinizing everything these boys did as they grew older, and it became a general cluster frak, thanks to people who should leave their curtains closed, or move the frak outta town, because nobody likes them anyway.

Which got me to thinking; I have a neighbor like that where I live; and I have a couple of neighbors like that out at Caiman Ranch; and with my luck, I’ll have a neighbor or two like that where we just bought another 10 acre ranch down in SW Texas.

And the other thing I was thinking was that I remember how different it was when I was growing up. How people didn’t call the cops when a couple of kids were in a fight.

Everyone stood around and watched and made sure it didn’t get dirty and when the fighting was done, we became friends. And I know this because a few of those fights, I was in, and I became friends with a few of those guys. One of the closest, I think, was after a fight with Duck. We scraped a bit and got scraped up a bit, but later that week we were back at the Penny, shooting pool and making fun of some transient bar customers.

There were also some exceptions to that rule, like for some reason these two brothers, Pat and Dan, just don’t want anything to do with me or my brother, even today, but, c’est la vie. And then there was the Bird Brigade; boys like Sandor and his minions, who would never fight if they were alone or if there were more than one of us, but were very brave when there was a group of them and only one of us.

But today, even if you live in a cul-de-sac, if you park your car in front of your house facing the (lack of a) flow of traffic, that asshat is sure to call the cops. If you park your trailer on the street overnight because you’re gonna fill it with trash and bring it to the landfill in the morning, that asshat will call the cops.

Back in the day, you would egg their car on Halloween and toilet paper their house. But today, some other asshat with a phone will video tape it and then the asshat will call the cops.

I guess, the bottom line today is that I follow a set of spiritual principles that prevent me from toilet papering the neighbor’s house or throwing eggs at their car … most of the time. But they always continue to help me improve as a person and have kept me out of jail for quite some time!

I love this Program!

Submitted by MJDunn on February 17, 2012

I get into a car accident. My car is totaled, my day is ruined, and my insurance premium is going up. I am upset at myself, I’m angry at the world, and I’m not on speaking terms with God for a while.

Then they line up, the friends who want to cheer me up, the spiritual leaders who know better: You know what my friend… No need to be upset… No need to be depressed… Everything happens for A reason!!!

The first thought that crosses my mind is, where is your compassion? Where is your sympathy? Do you think I need to hear that I’m suffering for a reason? I’m Suffering!

The second thought that jumps up my brain is: Oh, yeah. Obviously everything happens for a reason. The reason I got into a car accident is so that my car should be wrecked. The reason my day is ruined is so I don’t accomplish any of the things that I need to do today. The reason my insurance is going up is so I can have less money to buy food for my kids. How does that help me?

Knowing that there is a reason for everything that happens doesn’t take a genius to figure out, certainly there was no need to enlighten me that every event has a consequence. What if there is The Reason behind every event?

So, if everything happens for The reason, not just A reason. And The reason is God’s master plan for his universe, then what am I to do with my predicament?

God created the physical world so that humans can transform it and elevate it to a spiritual state. We have the power to experience people, places and things in a Godly way, thus changing their composition from merely physical to a new spiritual dimension. The only reason bad things happen to us, is because we are challenged to elevate that situation from the annoying (to humans) to the pleasurable (to God).

In other words “Everything happens for a reason” are not words of consolation, but a call to action. If I got into a car accident it is because there is something that I can do in that situation that can make a difference in God’s master plan for his universe. It’s up to me to figure it out. It’s up to me to make it worth it. It’s up to me to take action, and walk the talk. It is up to me to understand “The Reason” and take action.

Submitted by BenBen The Fisherman on February 10, 2012

Submitted by JoeC on February 10, 2012

The only problem with reality…

The only problem with reality is there are so many versions of it. Game Time: Think of a 12-Step meeting you look forward to going to. Now think of one that makes you roll your eyes. I practiced what I preached – they are in my head right now. Man those sanctimonious bastard think they know everything. Not like my home group – we aren’t perfect but we know a little something about humility, love and tolerance. How different are these two groups? To an impartial observer, they might not see much difference in either of them.

In 1966, Peter L. Berger and Thomas Luckmann expanded this theme in a book called The Social Construction of Reality. Consider that each autonomous 12-Step group is its own society, like two towns in the same country (fellowship). Berger and Luckmann write:

“Two societies confronting each other with conflicting universes will both develop conceptual machineries designed to maintain their respective universes. From the point of view if the intrinsic plausibility the two forms of conceptualization may seem to the outside observer to offer little choice.”

Let’s say a medical student picked two meetings to attend to learn about our brand of addiction and recovery. He picked the two closed meetings to school on consecutive nights. One was a mainstream AA meeting and the other was a Gay group, or Agnostic or young people’s group. Would he notice that one was different from the other. Each of them were peer to peer groups, they both read, “What is AA,” took a Seventh Tradition, talked about the only requirement for membership, the problem of powerlessness, the idea that alcoholism is a progressive, fatal illness and together we can do what alone we cannot. So even if one group was a “special interest” group, formed because members needed a place they could really relate to other alcoholics or addicts that appreciated what makes them different, these “conflicting universes” between mainstream and special focus groups could be so small that the casual outside observer doesn’t even see it. If we are members of these groups, we see what differentiates us; the outsider sees the common theme.

What I know is real is really what I believe; what I believe colors everything I perceive as I tend to ask life to corroborate my worldview. My worldview is what I see outside my window. I don’t see the whole world, but I construct my view of the world, based on the fragment I see, the bit I have heard and what I imagine. It’s limited.

Everyone in recovery knows that our worldview can change. I was sure that alcohol and drugs were the missing piece in the puzzle of my life. Everything made more sense and I felt more complete when I was intoxicated. I vehemently defended this perceived truth when confronted about my addiction. But now I accept that I am powerless. I have a totally new worldview, because I am looking out a different window.

To borrow from Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 – 1860):

“All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.”

You told me I was powerless and my life was unmanageable. I scoffed at first. Then I raised my voice and got drunk at you. Now I am sober and expect to stay sober all day. My truth of the past went through three stages as it morphed into what I believe now.

If we keep seeking, we go through this three-stage phase all the time. We all learn to “let go absolutely.” What becomes of that will once released is a much debated idea. Many know exactly what happens and why; that is their truth. All I know is that I hate being controlled and I want to have control. I believe that letting loose of my desire to control the agenda is good for me. What becomes of this willfulness is purely subjective. Now there have been times when I needed to understand what’s behind the curtain. Isn’t that funny – I was willing to let go of my controlling tendency, but I insisted on understanding what became of this will of mine – as if that’s important. But it was important to me, so I listened to some smart sounding people and made something up that kind of made sense to me. I explained this truth of mine in exquisite detail. Then I started to believe something else and explained how wrong I was then, and what the real truth is now. Oh, “there are none so righteous as the recently converted.” I have been converted a few times now.

Understanding that my truth and what is real to me is subjective is important to me for two good reasons. First, I don’t want to stop growing. Second, I want to have compassion for others and if they differ from me, I best not think I am enlightened and they are deluded. It wouldn’t be any better to see them as whole and me as incomplete. Humility for me today is about me and my world being right sized. Maybe I am my brother (and sister’s) keeper, but I am not their master.

I think that a spiritual journey is a continuum, more circular than linear. My tendency is to lock in on those who reinforce or validate my current worldview. I am quick to dismiss alternative worldviews. It is a reflex. It happens before my cognitive functions are engaged. That’s why I like think, think, think; if I give myself time to think and think some more before I react I can be more civilized than my base instincts. And really, who am I going to learn from. The people who mirror my moves, or the many who move to the beat of another drummer

Have you ever seen the award winning documentary, “Escape from Death,” about the books by Pulitzer Prize author Earnest Becker, called, “Denial of Death” and “Escape from Evil?”  Posted in News | No Comments »